Depression

Is gone my friends...

Granted, I dont want to go to the gym anymore, I dont want to go to my CHU after work, I dont want to leave my desk to go smoke or eat or sleep. No change there, right?

The reasons behind this are quite different this month than they were last. I'm not exactly sure why that is, or more honestly, I'm not exactly sure how I have allowed myself to accept the reasons I now have.

I'd ask if it were possible that someone you never met could inspire such a change in a person, more specifically, in me. However, we already know that it is possible. After all, I've never met Keenan Maynard, Trent Reznor, Marilyn Manson or any of the other artists who have struck a chord (har har) with me.

Yet I find myself bonding with this individual, and I also find it weird to be writing about it here. However, seeing my thoughts in writing helps to assure me that they are more than meaningless and fleeting synapses confined to my own brain.

So how to deal with this? Slowly and surely, my gut tells me. So hang on Sloopy, Sloopy hang on.

Time differences suck. Distance sucks. But the thing that sucks the worst is that its almost as if they dont matter. I know they do. I know they are killers, psychotic and unrepentant. Experience has recently hammered this little fact home, has it not? 9 months till I make it back to the states. Most likely 2 years before I make it back to Texas in anything approaching a permanent capacity, unless I get stationed at Ft Hood, which I am not sure I want to do.

I think the strangest thing about this entire situation is that it makes me rethink my assumptions about myself and my current mental and emotional conditions and capacities. It makes me wonder if my priorities are set correctly, and what the cost and benefits of staying my current course would be.

After all, my current plans include coming home to Texas for the month of December, and then volunteering for another tour in Iraq sometime at the end of Jan. The way I figure it, when I get home from this tour, I will have 17 months left in the Army. Since we are guaranteed a year of dwell time, that means I will have 5 months to go before I am likely to be deployed with a unit again. However, with the way the military works, when that 5 months comes down, and my unit deploys for 12-15, I will be stop-lossed, which means I will deploy for the full tour and get out of the army 7-10 months later than I should be, and I DEFINITELY do not want to spend any more time here than I absolutely have to. So it stands to reason that if I go home, spend 2-4 months in the states, and redeploy again, I will get home from the second tour in time to ETS and be done with the Army for good. Leaving me with the money I saved while deployed to start my life again and move back to where I want to be: close to my children.

Sure, being back over here for another year, so close to the first time I was here, is going to royally suck. The way I figure it though, now that my kids live in Tx and I live in NC, what is the difference between 1000 miles away and 7500? Are they not in effect the same thing? I wont see the kids any more often if I am in NC than I would if I were here, although I wouldnt have to skip Christmas with them (again) if I get lucky on my R&R dates.

Another argument for redeployment is the opportunity to save some money. Since the ex has already promised my children that they will have two of everything now that "daddy doesnt live with them anymore," I find myself suddenly in the position of having to scramble to provide this for them. It doesnt make sense for me to do so in NC, as they wont be there to visit more than once or twice before I get out, and it doesnt make sense for me to make these purchases for "stuff" that I will be needing if I am only going to redeploy again a year later. So, why not just not buy furniture, not buy a car, not buy all this crap and head right back on over here where I dont have room for a bunch of shit and dont have a need for most of it anyway?

I might not always make the best decisions, but I always try to mitigate the damages. Joining the Army was a bad idea. It helped me accomplish many goals; I am debt free, my resume is looking pretty fucking good again, I dont see how I could possibly get out without finishing my masters in Public Admin. But my personal life is smashed to shit. The people I used to have that motivated me to be a better person are gone or so far removed as to not be such motivating factors any longer.

This being said, all I can do now is try to figure out the best way to finish the time left on my contract. My kids are still young. All they know is that Daddy is a soldier and has to go fight bad guys a lot, and that he lives in the desert. While I dont particularly want to spend time away from them, since I know I am going to have to do so anyway, I feel as though it is best to do so immediately instead of drawing it out any longer. I dont want to be gone from their side for a single day longer than I have to be. While I am gone, I want to accomplish everything that I possibly can to make my and their lives better, even if neither of us gets to appreciate it immediately.

Damnable need to lay it all out in writing to pick it apart...