Learning new things

I dont know where to begin.... I guess they (whoever the fuck "they" actually are) say that the beginning is the best place to begin. Makes sense in a straightforward kind of way, but I am not exactly sure that I agree.

I find myself challenged. In general, I enjoy a challenge, in theory, I thrive on them. In reality, I think I am fairly confused by this one.

How does one go about learning? I realize this is an aeons old query, argued since the invention of arguments. Is knowledge something that exists in the ether somewhere, and learning the process by which one pulls it from there to their own brain? Or is knowledge something that exists within you, waiting only for you to remember it. Is there such a thing as an "original" anything at this point in time? After thousands of years of civilization, can you truly have an idea that has not been thought before? I think maybe you can, if only in degrees. What does this have to do with my current challenge? Perhaps nothing.

To overcome fear, to allow trust, to learn to love again; I am not the only one who has had to face these challenges. So I wonder, would knowing how others accomplished this help me do so as well? I am tempted to respond negatively, as I know myself well enough to know that if I dont fuck it up personally, I probably didnt learn a damned thing from it. So does it matter that I am not the first? I guess not. Which is simultaneously inspiring and paralyzing in that those who have gone before me cant teach me anything, and I am left to learn these lessons, to struggle through these experiences alone.

Trust. Love. Faith. Countered by: Fear, Insecurity, Self-loathing.

What makes a person right for another person? There need to be common interests, common views on life, a commitment to work things through when life gets tough, a refusal to quit. Physical attraction? Absolutely. But what is the other property that really sets the spark to produce the flame? Can it be chased down, defined? Could I eventually boil down all my experiences and extrapolate from them the exact kind of person who compliments me? Perhaps a more potent question: If I could, would I? I mean, half or more of the fun in any relationship is figuring out whether or not it will work, isnt it? You have to start by spending a lot of time together, get on each other's every last nerve. Then you start to have disagreements, which elevate themselves to arguments, which in turn accelerate into fights. Once you reach the fighting stage, you start pushing buttons. You learn which ones get the biggest reaction and you mash them for all you are worth. This is the point at which you figure out how you fight, how you cope with conflict, whether it will end up with you sleeping in separate rooms or whether it leads to some of the best sex ever. Once either of those options is complete, you get to discover whether the relationship is fundamentally changed, and in time, whether this change will cripple or strengthen the union.

The fucked up thing about it is that for all your preparation, for all your commitment, for all your love, you can never be absolutely sure of the outcome. Perhaps this is that quality of love that makes it so rewarding. Its not something that you demand from someone, its not something that you can get through some sense of entitlement, you dont "deserve" to be loved by a particular person. Love is an offering. Sometimes the acceptance of this offer is more difficult than the extension of it.

This deserves further thought and exploration, but unfortunately, I actually have to work now. LOL