Contentment... or Ode to Joy

A friend of mine recently posited an idea that really spoke to me. When first she said it, I thought “no way.” Then, I paused a moment and considered if my reaction was more from this idea being ridiculous or from my unwillingness to accept that it might be true. Within a few seconds, I had no choice but to accept that it was the latter. The statement that was made was that I “missed the knowing – who, what, where, and when in your marriage.”

Initially, I scoffed at this idea, as I don’t currently know a damn thing about a damn thing, and then I realized that was her point. Secondly, what I knew about my situation, my relationship, before had been mostly negative. It caused me to really consider what it was that I had supposedly lost when Jeni left, and made me realize that I might have gained a lot more. I don’t know whether I ever felt this way while I was married, I have no conscious memory of being embittered or feeling repressed, but I can see clearly now that I was. Another friend, when I mentioned this idea as something that needed considerable further exploration, said that it brought to mind a country song with a lyric that went something like “it’s hard to kiss the lips at night that have been chewing your ass all day.” I hope I never have to suffer through the song itself, I hate country music, but I found the lyric amusing.

So, what exactly did I know? How did I allow myself to be comfortable with it? I can answer the first, but I wont. Believe it or not, these blogs are more about my mental health than they are about putting my soon to be ex-wife down. Suffice to say, I did in fact know what to expect. I knew which of my advances and thoughts would be rebuffed and how often. I knew what repercussions I would face for doing things I enjoyed such as drinking beer or watching hockey or hanging with friends once I got off work. I knew the consequences of all my actions and words, and while I was powerless to change these reactions in my mate, and unwilling to make the additional changes in myself, I found comfort in the reactions nonetheless. I had become merely “content,” and because I had been happy in the very distant past, and this contentment replaced my happiness so gradually and insidiously, I confused the two and allowed one to substitute for the other.

I loved my wife to the best of my ability. Everything I did was for her and the kids. I worked two jobs for 4 years so she could stay home. I joined the military because my school loans combined with our other joint debts threatened to pull us under and that was the fastest and most sensible solution. I deployed to a gods-forsaken country near the ass end of nowhere for 15 months away from everything and everyone that I loved for the sake of being able to better provide for my family. In my mind, I thought it would be obvious that everything I did was for “us” and not for “me.” In reality, I think it was obvious, but that it wasn’t enough for some reason.

Be that as it may, our relationship was not copacetic. We started as best friends but somehow over time became bitter rivals. Neither of us mentioned to the other that our needs were not being met in the ways that we felt they should have been. Each of us assumed that the love we had at the beginning was still somewhere down there, and that since marriage was always something requiring work, that our efforts at swallowing our own individual malcontent would be enough to help us get through another day, week or year and thus be closer to finding that loving happiness that we started with. Our lines of communication were completely broken.
Being the stoic person I am, believing in the sanctity of marriage and holding on to what memories I had of the younger fun loving version of my life, I would have languished in this situation for the rest of my life, constantly hanging on to the thread of hope that somehow we would get back to what we once were before. I didn’t even consciously see the problem before now. I understood Jeni’s side of it, and I don’t think she ever even considered that perhaps she wasn’t the only one who felt the way she did about our marriage, but I didn’t understand that I also should have wanted the relationship to end. Oddly enough, I didn’t. I was comfortable with what was “known” even if I couldn’t have honestly said I was as happy as I deserved to be. Could we have been happy again had there been communication and a desire on both parts to work it out? I believe so. Even at the point we got to where one of us finally realized what was going on and decided to walk away? Again, I believe we could have.

However, happiness for me is going to come via a different route, a different source, a different soul mate… eventually. I now have the freedoms to seek out someone with whom I wont have to be merely “content.” I can find someone who currently has the same drives, goals and outlook that I do on life. I can go find a person who is more physically and emotionally compatible with myself. I’m not terribly excited by the prospect of starting over, though I know I should be, but at least I know that I don’t have to settle for what has become comfortable any longer.

So now, to paraphrase Mr. Tom Petty, its “into the great wide open” I go. I don’t know shit about shit, I don’t know who I am going to learn about and try to love next, only that I don’t believe I have met her yet. I don’t know how I am going to be a pervasive presence in my children’s lives so that they never doubt that I am there for them and I love them. I don’t know where I will live, where I will work, what I will do for fun when and if I have the time. I don’t know anything at all about what the future is going to bring me. I find it quite humorous that my experiences here in the military have prepared me to face this uncertainty without an overabundance of fear and with virtually no trepidation. As much as I cant wait to get out of the Army, I have to admit that I have become a better, more mature, more responsible person because of it. I cant wait to put it behind me and start answering the aforementioned questions. This time, I will make an effort not to allow myself to slide into contentment in such a way that it seems as if being content is all there is to life. I intend to grasp and hang onto happiness with a fierceness unknown previously. Should be quite the ride.