Too good to be true...

Now, I wont pretend that this is anything other than typical, but just as I finished extolling the virtues of this place where I found myself for this deployment, I find out this is NOT where I will be staying for the full year.

Many of you (at least the ones who actually watch the news) are aware of the new surge in Afghanistan. Currently, I am in Kandahar, at a camp nicknamed "Candyland" by the US Armed Forces for good reason. Apart from the rocket attacks, its as nice as place as can be found out here.

I was just told that our mission is changing. In a few months, my little group will be picking up, packing up, and leaving for a location that is so new it doesn't have a camp name right now. By the time we get there it should be named, though it is doubtful that it will have such rudimentary amenities as a PX or gym, MWR room or internet. Hopefully some of those things will be in place quite soon after we arrive, but it is hard to say. The newer FOB's (Forward Operations Base) are literally built from the ground up, on a location that was little more than a patch of flat ground big enough for at least a helipad, and it looks like we will be going back up into the mountains.

I can tell you I am NOT excited about this at all, but its the Army. This, again, is what my dumbass signed up for. (What does US ARMY stand for when spelled backwards? "Yes, my retarded ass signed up") So... while I may be bored here for now, it looks as though that is going to change before too much longer.

Because of OPSEC and what not, I cannot disclose dates or locations until after it is said and done, so please don't think that the reason I am intentionally vague has anything to do with personal preference. I will be sure to give everyone ample notice as to when to place a "hold" on any care packages when it becomes necessary, but for now, its business as usual.

I certainly intend to enjoy myself to the best of my ability while I am still within easy walking distance of all the things that keep a soldier on deployment relatively sane: ease of contact with friends and loved ones, the gym for pounding out frustrations, the MWR for movies, sports and coffee, the PX (even tho they don't carry much of anything I actually use!) and decent enough chow. :)

I've placed some images of my living space in this post. It may not look like much, but the room you see is just about the same square footage as I had to share with another soldier last deployment, and even though there is a bunk bed, I do not have a bunk-mate. It should be quite interesting to see the new digs once I get there. I can tell you right now I am definitely NOT excited about that. I've greatly enjoyed having some personal, semi-private space.

Back in the saddle again....

Well, interestingly enough, I find myself in a second (and different!) combat zone, a mere 6 months (to the day!) after I left the last one. My life has changed quite a bit over the course of the last 20 or so months, and I have made leaps and bounds in nearly every aspect that I had targeted what seems so long ago.

My school loans are history. My divorce has been final for 7 months now. I'm still in reasonably good shape, though now that I am away from my nemesis (beer!) I am sure I will get into even better shape than I left Iraq here pretty soon.

My emotional state is fantastic, I have found love again and believe it to be the kind that I should have held out for in the first place. Time will tell, though I don't have any fear attached to it this time, and if we can make it through 12 months apart so early in our relationship, I think we will be good to go. I know the adage about "absence makes the heart grow fonder," but somehow I doubt that 12 months out of the first 17 was what they had in mind! This being said, as I have told her and everyone else, if she sticks around, I'm gonna keep her! ;)

My current assignment is a polar opposite of my last deployment, for which I am extremely thankful. Last time, I had the extreme displeasure of visiting several FOBs and COBs in Iraq. I made a total of 14 trips (more than anyone else in the battalion with the exception of the CSM and BC) to such lovely locales as (FOB/COB name, followed by Iraqi city in parenthesis) Victory, Liberty, Stryker (all in Baghdad), Taji (same city name), Tallil/Adder (near An Nasiriyah), Speicher (Tikrit), Anaconda (Balad, where I was officially stationed), Diamondback (Mosul), and Q-West (Qayyarah West). I list these more for posterity's sake (and the fact that they are all public knowledge, available to any search on google) than for any other purpose. I certainly don't intend to return to any of them, nor would I recommend them as travel destinations. Lots of sand, but no beaches. Even if the people there weren't trying to kill Americans, it still wouldn't have a lot to attract anyone there.

This deployment is going to be much less stressful, I think. Not only am I no longer in the process of divorce, but I am also not going to be required to travel anywhere. Last time, I supported 96 people and 140 machines as their system administrator at my battalion alone. In addition, I did 6 commercialization projects for our reporting units on other FOBs/COBs, hence all the not-so-wonderful places I was able to visit last time. This time, I support 14 people and 4 machines, with no requirement for travel at all. :) I cannot begin to express to you how happy that makes me.

I will be back here regularly. Thanks to Susan from Tower Library not only for all the entertainment she and her staff have sent to me in the form of books, magazines, emails and letters of support, but for also blogging like a madwoman herself and pointing me at her blogs, hence re-establishing my interest in posting on my own! Thanks also to my Soldiers Angels, Lori and Shelli, for much of the same. Those ladies were a big factor in my retention of (most of) my sanity last deployment, and have proven themselves to be steadfast friends of the best type. My family deserves thanks as well, for even if they have no choice in their relation to me, they certainly weren't obligated to take as good care of me as they have while I am on the other side of the world.

More to come... this is merely the opening of the flood gates.

Divorce!

Well, today I found the documentation needed to file for uncontested divorce with children in the state of Texas. I downloaded all 50 pages and will start filling those out this week.

I am at peace with this. The process and the path to get to this point was painful as fuck, but I am here now. Even more than being at peace with it, I am excited to get it done. I didnt make the decision to quit, but once one person has given up, the relationship is dead. Since this is the case, the thing to do is deal with it as it comes, make the best decisions that I can regarding my children and provision for their needs, and surgically remove the offending person from my legal life.

50 fucking pages. LOL This is going to take awhile. Today was the day to get the divorce process started, tomorrow is the day to get my contract with the military in order so they can pay off the two payments of 33.3% of my outstanding final school loan. Yes, I will have to pay income taxes on the amount that the military pays of the loan, and I will have to pay all the interest accrued on the loan myself, but this is going to total less than 20% of the total outstanding loan, and I can handle that a lot easier than the full amount. LOL

I think I will email the divorce packet to her as well, so she can get started looking over what she needs to and begin figuring out what her sticking points are. This way, at least I will know whether or not I will need to retain legal counsel when I get back to the states. She says that wont be necessary, and I would love to believe her, but it was my faith in her that brought us to this point to begin with, so in the words of a very dear friend, "I wont be naive to the fact."

This is good. As much as it sucks to have to petition for divorce, as strongly as I would have denied ever having the need to do so before I deployed, there is a lot of healing that is going to be forced to take place as I plug through this packet and systematically lay out all my financial information, decide on child custody, etc. This is the end, my friend.

The future holds beautiful things for me, I can see this. Once I get over this damnable mountain of paperwork, I can begin to truly look forward to that future and start to lay my plans for it. I have things I want to accomplish and I know certain actions and paths that I will take, but I think it will really be possible to nail down what is most likely to occur once I begin the bargaining phase of this with her and find out what kind of stupid shit she is going to try to pull on me. She is certainly beginning to show signs of greediness, and that is going to hurt me in the long run, but fuck it. I can always file suit to change whatever we agree on later, once I have many of my goals accomplished and get out of the military.

Off to the races.

ENTITLEMENT

I hate that word. With a passion. Who the fuck was it that told you that you were 'entitled' to something anyway? Earn it yourself like the rest of us.

Some might say that spending 10 years with a person entitles you to certain things. I might be one of those persons. However, unlike the lazy, money grubbing, do-nothing sons of bitches around me, the things I feel entitled to are more complex than money. I felt entitled to love, respect and integrity in my relationship. I felt entitled to my trust being well placed. I felt entitled to be able to spend a year away without losing everything I thought I had in the first 100 days.

I had the first indications that she is going to be the mega bitch I know she can be in regard to our divorce and the amount of child support she feels 'entitled' to. She doesnt care about percentage of income, she doesnt care about crippling my ability to provide for myself and live on my own. She cares only that she gets as much cash out of me as she possibly can so that she can continue to buy her booze and fast food on my dime. I have a hard time believing that she deserves half of my income, even if I have been supporting her completely for the last 6 years of our marriage. Get a fucking job, you leech. grooooowl

boring blogs, killing time

So... I got internet access in my room today. That's damned near the most exciting thing that has happened to me (that originated in this country) since I got here. It's not terribly fast, but at least I dont have to sit at battalion to talk to the people who are important to me, and I will get to have webcam conversations with my kiddies, among other entertaining people. :)

I'm absolutely fucking exhausted, and I'm not complaining. I've had some of the most rewarding and fulfilling conversations of the last decade in the past couple of days. The kinds of conversations you might have had with your first crush half your life ago, the kinds of conversations that leave you wanting more, needing more. The kind that make you ignore work, sleep, food. The good kind.

I'm still learning new things. New things about myself, new things about my new friend. Surprises abound, some of the good kind, some of the kind that make me think "hmmmm" and some of the kinds that leave me not really knowing how to respond to them. There are many things about a person that you can learn if you only listen well. There are many things that people are encouraged to share with you if you will just shut your mouth and receive the message. Granted, I have a hard time doing that, but I am trying, and so far it is paying incredible dividends when I am successful.

My fear has left the building in regard to my situation, at least for now. I have come to terms with what is going on around me, what is going on within me. I'm not going to expend energy fighting my reactions, instead I am going to ride them out, see where they take me, see if I like it where I wind up. Plenty of time to deal with things as they arise, no need to kill them before they can begin by worrying them apart.

I'd like to say I am beginning to trust again, but that would be a lie. I can say that I have temporarily suspended mistrust, and that is something. Forward motion, positive change, at least.

One short week. I wouldnt have believed it could net such literally awesome returns so quickly, but apparently it can and did and will continue to do so. Pretty cool...

Depression

Is gone my friends...

Granted, I dont want to go to the gym anymore, I dont want to go to my CHU after work, I dont want to leave my desk to go smoke or eat or sleep. No change there, right?

The reasons behind this are quite different this month than they were last. I'm not exactly sure why that is, or more honestly, I'm not exactly sure how I have allowed myself to accept the reasons I now have.

I'd ask if it were possible that someone you never met could inspire such a change in a person, more specifically, in me. However, we already know that it is possible. After all, I've never met Keenan Maynard, Trent Reznor, Marilyn Manson or any of the other artists who have struck a chord (har har) with me.

Yet I find myself bonding with this individual, and I also find it weird to be writing about it here. However, seeing my thoughts in writing helps to assure me that they are more than meaningless and fleeting synapses confined to my own brain.

So how to deal with this? Slowly and surely, my gut tells me. So hang on Sloopy, Sloopy hang on.

Time differences suck. Distance sucks. But the thing that sucks the worst is that its almost as if they dont matter. I know they do. I know they are killers, psychotic and unrepentant. Experience has recently hammered this little fact home, has it not? 9 months till I make it back to the states. Most likely 2 years before I make it back to Texas in anything approaching a permanent capacity, unless I get stationed at Ft Hood, which I am not sure I want to do.

I think the strangest thing about this entire situation is that it makes me rethink my assumptions about myself and my current mental and emotional conditions and capacities. It makes me wonder if my priorities are set correctly, and what the cost and benefits of staying my current course would be.

After all, my current plans include coming home to Texas for the month of December, and then volunteering for another tour in Iraq sometime at the end of Jan. The way I figure it, when I get home from this tour, I will have 17 months left in the Army. Since we are guaranteed a year of dwell time, that means I will have 5 months to go before I am likely to be deployed with a unit again. However, with the way the military works, when that 5 months comes down, and my unit deploys for 12-15, I will be stop-lossed, which means I will deploy for the full tour and get out of the army 7-10 months later than I should be, and I DEFINITELY do not want to spend any more time here than I absolutely have to. So it stands to reason that if I go home, spend 2-4 months in the states, and redeploy again, I will get home from the second tour in time to ETS and be done with the Army for good. Leaving me with the money I saved while deployed to start my life again and move back to where I want to be: close to my children.

Sure, being back over here for another year, so close to the first time I was here, is going to royally suck. The way I figure it though, now that my kids live in Tx and I live in NC, what is the difference between 1000 miles away and 7500? Are they not in effect the same thing? I wont see the kids any more often if I am in NC than I would if I were here, although I wouldnt have to skip Christmas with them (again) if I get lucky on my R&R dates.

Another argument for redeployment is the opportunity to save some money. Since the ex has already promised my children that they will have two of everything now that "daddy doesnt live with them anymore," I find myself suddenly in the position of having to scramble to provide this for them. It doesnt make sense for me to do so in NC, as they wont be there to visit more than once or twice before I get out, and it doesnt make sense for me to make these purchases for "stuff" that I will be needing if I am only going to redeploy again a year later. So, why not just not buy furniture, not buy a car, not buy all this crap and head right back on over here where I dont have room for a bunch of shit and dont have a need for most of it anyway?

I might not always make the best decisions, but I always try to mitigate the damages. Joining the Army was a bad idea. It helped me accomplish many goals; I am debt free, my resume is looking pretty fucking good again, I dont see how I could possibly get out without finishing my masters in Public Admin. But my personal life is smashed to shit. The people I used to have that motivated me to be a better person are gone or so far removed as to not be such motivating factors any longer.

This being said, all I can do now is try to figure out the best way to finish the time left on my contract. My kids are still young. All they know is that Daddy is a soldier and has to go fight bad guys a lot, and that he lives in the desert. While I dont particularly want to spend time away from them, since I know I am going to have to do so anyway, I feel as though it is best to do so immediately instead of drawing it out any longer. I dont want to be gone from their side for a single day longer than I have to be. While I am gone, I want to accomplish everything that I possibly can to make my and their lives better, even if neither of us gets to appreciate it immediately.

Damnable need to lay it all out in writing to pick it apart...

Learning new things

I dont know where to begin.... I guess they (whoever the fuck "they" actually are) say that the beginning is the best place to begin. Makes sense in a straightforward kind of way, but I am not exactly sure that I agree.

I find myself challenged. In general, I enjoy a challenge, in theory, I thrive on them. In reality, I think I am fairly confused by this one.

How does one go about learning? I realize this is an aeons old query, argued since the invention of arguments. Is knowledge something that exists in the ether somewhere, and learning the process by which one pulls it from there to their own brain? Or is knowledge something that exists within you, waiting only for you to remember it. Is there such a thing as an "original" anything at this point in time? After thousands of years of civilization, can you truly have an idea that has not been thought before? I think maybe you can, if only in degrees. What does this have to do with my current challenge? Perhaps nothing.

To overcome fear, to allow trust, to learn to love again; I am not the only one who has had to face these challenges. So I wonder, would knowing how others accomplished this help me do so as well? I am tempted to respond negatively, as I know myself well enough to know that if I dont fuck it up personally, I probably didnt learn a damned thing from it. So does it matter that I am not the first? I guess not. Which is simultaneously inspiring and paralyzing in that those who have gone before me cant teach me anything, and I am left to learn these lessons, to struggle through these experiences alone.

Trust. Love. Faith. Countered by: Fear, Insecurity, Self-loathing.

What makes a person right for another person? There need to be common interests, common views on life, a commitment to work things through when life gets tough, a refusal to quit. Physical attraction? Absolutely. But what is the other property that really sets the spark to produce the flame? Can it be chased down, defined? Could I eventually boil down all my experiences and extrapolate from them the exact kind of person who compliments me? Perhaps a more potent question: If I could, would I? I mean, half or more of the fun in any relationship is figuring out whether or not it will work, isnt it? You have to start by spending a lot of time together, get on each other's every last nerve. Then you start to have disagreements, which elevate themselves to arguments, which in turn accelerate into fights. Once you reach the fighting stage, you start pushing buttons. You learn which ones get the biggest reaction and you mash them for all you are worth. This is the point at which you figure out how you fight, how you cope with conflict, whether it will end up with you sleeping in separate rooms or whether it leads to some of the best sex ever. Once either of those options is complete, you get to discover whether the relationship is fundamentally changed, and in time, whether this change will cripple or strengthen the union.

The fucked up thing about it is that for all your preparation, for all your commitment, for all your love, you can never be absolutely sure of the outcome. Perhaps this is that quality of love that makes it so rewarding. Its not something that you demand from someone, its not something that you can get through some sense of entitlement, you dont "deserve" to be loved by a particular person. Love is an offering. Sometimes the acceptance of this offer is more difficult than the extension of it.

This deserves further thought and exploration, but unfortunately, I actually have to work now. LOL