Well, today I found the documentation needed to file for uncontested divorce with children in the state of Texas. I downloaded all 50 pages and will start filling those out this week.
I am at peace with this. The process and the path to get to this point was painful as fuck, but I am here now. Even more than being at peace with it, I am excited to get it done. I didnt make the decision to quit, but once one person has given up, the relationship is dead. Since this is the case, the thing to do is deal with it as it comes, make the best decisions that I can regarding my children and provision for their needs, and surgically remove the offending person from my legal life.
50 fucking pages. LOL This is going to take awhile. Today was the day to get the divorce process started, tomorrow is the day to get my contract with the military in order so they can pay off the two payments of 33.3% of my outstanding final school loan. Yes, I will have to pay income taxes on the amount that the military pays of the loan, and I will have to pay all the interest accrued on the loan myself, but this is going to total less than 20% of the total outstanding loan, and I can handle that a lot easier than the full amount. LOL
I think I will email the divorce packet to her as well, so she can get started looking over what she needs to and begin figuring out what her sticking points are. This way, at least I will know whether or not I will need to retain legal counsel when I get back to the states. She says that wont be necessary, and I would love to believe her, but it was my faith in her that brought us to this point to begin with, so in the words of a very dear friend, "I wont be naive to the fact."
This is good. As much as it sucks to have to petition for divorce, as strongly as I would have denied ever having the need to do so before I deployed, there is a lot of healing that is going to be forced to take place as I plug through this packet and systematically lay out all my financial information, decide on child custody, etc. This is the end, my friend.
The future holds beautiful things for me, I can see this. Once I get over this damnable mountain of paperwork, I can begin to truly look forward to that future and start to lay my plans for it. I have things I want to accomplish and I know certain actions and paths that I will take, but I think it will really be possible to nail down what is most likely to occur once I begin the bargaining phase of this with her and find out what kind of stupid shit she is going to try to pull on me. She is certainly beginning to show signs of greediness, and that is going to hurt me in the long run, but fuck it. I can always file suit to change whatever we agree on later, once I have many of my goals accomplished and get out of the military.
Off to the races.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Friday, April 4, 2008
ENTITLEMENT
I hate that word. With a passion. Who the fuck was it that told you that you were 'entitled' to something anyway? Earn it yourself like the rest of us.
Some might say that spending 10 years with a person entitles you to certain things. I might be one of those persons. However, unlike the lazy, money grubbing, do-nothing sons of bitches around me, the things I feel entitled to are more complex than money. I felt entitled to love, respect and integrity in my relationship. I felt entitled to my trust being well placed. I felt entitled to be able to spend a year away without losing everything I thought I had in the first 100 days.
I had the first indications that she is going to be the mega bitch I know she can be in regard to our divorce and the amount of child support she feels 'entitled' to. She doesnt care about percentage of income, she doesnt care about crippling my ability to provide for myself and live on my own. She cares only that she gets as much cash out of me as she possibly can so that she can continue to buy her booze and fast food on my dime. I have a hard time believing that she deserves half of my income, even if I have been supporting her completely for the last 6 years of our marriage. Get a fucking job, you leech. grooooowl
Some might say that spending 10 years with a person entitles you to certain things. I might be one of those persons. However, unlike the lazy, money grubbing, do-nothing sons of bitches around me, the things I feel entitled to are more complex than money. I felt entitled to love, respect and integrity in my relationship. I felt entitled to my trust being well placed. I felt entitled to be able to spend a year away without losing everything I thought I had in the first 100 days.
I had the first indications that she is going to be the mega bitch I know she can be in regard to our divorce and the amount of child support she feels 'entitled' to. She doesnt care about percentage of income, she doesnt care about crippling my ability to provide for myself and live on my own. She cares only that she gets as much cash out of me as she possibly can so that she can continue to buy her booze and fast food on my dime. I have a hard time believing that she deserves half of my income, even if I have been supporting her completely for the last 6 years of our marriage. Get a fucking job, you leech. grooooowl
Friday, March 28, 2008
boring blogs, killing time
So... I got internet access in my room today. That's damned near the most exciting thing that has happened to me (that originated in this country) since I got here. It's not terribly fast, but at least I dont have to sit at battalion to talk to the people who are important to me, and I will get to have webcam conversations with my kiddies, among other entertaining people. :)
I'm absolutely fucking exhausted, and I'm not complaining. I've had some of the most rewarding and fulfilling conversations of the last decade in the past couple of days. The kinds of conversations you might have had with your first crush half your life ago, the kinds of conversations that leave you wanting more, needing more. The kind that make you ignore work, sleep, food. The good kind.
I'm still learning new things. New things about myself, new things about my new friend. Surprises abound, some of the good kind, some of the kind that make me think "hmmmm" and some of the kinds that leave me not really knowing how to respond to them. There are many things about a person that you can learn if you only listen well. There are many things that people are encouraged to share with you if you will just shut your mouth and receive the message. Granted, I have a hard time doing that, but I am trying, and so far it is paying incredible dividends when I am successful.
My fear has left the building in regard to my situation, at least for now. I have come to terms with what is going on around me, what is going on within me. I'm not going to expend energy fighting my reactions, instead I am going to ride them out, see where they take me, see if I like it where I wind up. Plenty of time to deal with things as they arise, no need to kill them before they can begin by worrying them apart.
I'd like to say I am beginning to trust again, but that would be a lie. I can say that I have temporarily suspended mistrust, and that is something. Forward motion, positive change, at least.
One short week. I wouldnt have believed it could net such literally awesome returns so quickly, but apparently it can and did and will continue to do so. Pretty cool...
I'm absolutely fucking exhausted, and I'm not complaining. I've had some of the most rewarding and fulfilling conversations of the last decade in the past couple of days. The kinds of conversations you might have had with your first crush half your life ago, the kinds of conversations that leave you wanting more, needing more. The kind that make you ignore work, sleep, food. The good kind.
I'm still learning new things. New things about myself, new things about my new friend. Surprises abound, some of the good kind, some of the kind that make me think "hmmmm" and some of the kinds that leave me not really knowing how to respond to them. There are many things about a person that you can learn if you only listen well. There are many things that people are encouraged to share with you if you will just shut your mouth and receive the message. Granted, I have a hard time doing that, but I am trying, and so far it is paying incredible dividends when I am successful.
My fear has left the building in regard to my situation, at least for now. I have come to terms with what is going on around me, what is going on within me. I'm not going to expend energy fighting my reactions, instead I am going to ride them out, see where they take me, see if I like it where I wind up. Plenty of time to deal with things as they arise, no need to kill them before they can begin by worrying them apart.
I'd like to say I am beginning to trust again, but that would be a lie. I can say that I have temporarily suspended mistrust, and that is something. Forward motion, positive change, at least.
One short week. I wouldnt have believed it could net such literally awesome returns so quickly, but apparently it can and did and will continue to do so. Pretty cool...
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Depression
Is gone my friends...
Granted, I dont want to go to the gym anymore, I dont want to go to my CHU after work, I dont want to leave my desk to go smoke or eat or sleep. No change there, right?
The reasons behind this are quite different this month than they were last. I'm not exactly sure why that is, or more honestly, I'm not exactly sure how I have allowed myself to accept the reasons I now have.
I'd ask if it were possible that someone you never met could inspire such a change in a person, more specifically, in me. However, we already know that it is possible. After all, I've never met Keenan Maynard, Trent Reznor, Marilyn Manson or any of the other artists who have struck a chord (har har) with me.
Yet I find myself bonding with this individual, and I also find it weird to be writing about it here. However, seeing my thoughts in writing helps to assure me that they are more than meaningless and fleeting synapses confined to my own brain.
So how to deal with this? Slowly and surely, my gut tells me. So hang on Sloopy, Sloopy hang on.
Time differences suck. Distance sucks. But the thing that sucks the worst is that its almost as if they dont matter. I know they do. I know they are killers, psychotic and unrepentant. Experience has recently hammered this little fact home, has it not? 9 months till I make it back to the states. Most likely 2 years before I make it back to Texas in anything approaching a permanent capacity, unless I get stationed at Ft Hood, which I am not sure I want to do.
I think the strangest thing about this entire situation is that it makes me rethink my assumptions about myself and my current mental and emotional conditions and capacities. It makes me wonder if my priorities are set correctly, and what the cost and benefits of staying my current course would be.
After all, my current plans include coming home to Texas for the month of December, and then volunteering for another tour in Iraq sometime at the end of Jan. The way I figure it, when I get home from this tour, I will have 17 months left in the Army. Since we are guaranteed a year of dwell time, that means I will have 5 months to go before I am likely to be deployed with a unit again. However, with the way the military works, when that 5 months comes down, and my unit deploys for 12-15, I will be stop-lossed, which means I will deploy for the full tour and get out of the army 7-10 months later than I should be, and I DEFINITELY do not want to spend any more time here than I absolutely have to. So it stands to reason that if I go home, spend 2-4 months in the states, and redeploy again, I will get home from the second tour in time to ETS and be done with the Army for good. Leaving me with the money I saved while deployed to start my life again and move back to where I want to be: close to my children.
Sure, being back over here for another year, so close to the first time I was here, is going to royally suck. The way I figure it though, now that my kids live in Tx and I live in NC, what is the difference between 1000 miles away and 7500? Are they not in effect the same thing? I wont see the kids any more often if I am in NC than I would if I were here, although I wouldnt have to skip Christmas with them (again) if I get lucky on my R&R dates.
Another argument for redeployment is the opportunity to save some money. Since the ex has already promised my children that they will have two of everything now that "daddy doesnt live with them anymore," I find myself suddenly in the position of having to scramble to provide this for them. It doesnt make sense for me to do so in NC, as they wont be there to visit more than once or twice before I get out, and it doesnt make sense for me to make these purchases for "stuff" that I will be needing if I am only going to redeploy again a year later. So, why not just not buy furniture, not buy a car, not buy all this crap and head right back on over here where I dont have room for a bunch of shit and dont have a need for most of it anyway?
I might not always make the best decisions, but I always try to mitigate the damages. Joining the Army was a bad idea. It helped me accomplish many goals; I am debt free, my resume is looking pretty fucking good again, I dont see how I could possibly get out without finishing my masters in Public Admin. But my personal life is smashed to shit. The people I used to have that motivated me to be a better person are gone or so far removed as to not be such motivating factors any longer.
This being said, all I can do now is try to figure out the best way to finish the time left on my contract. My kids are still young. All they know is that Daddy is a soldier and has to go fight bad guys a lot, and that he lives in the desert. While I dont particularly want to spend time away from them, since I know I am going to have to do so anyway, I feel as though it is best to do so immediately instead of drawing it out any longer. I dont want to be gone from their side for a single day longer than I have to be. While I am gone, I want to accomplish everything that I possibly can to make my and their lives better, even if neither of us gets to appreciate it immediately.
Damnable need to lay it all out in writing to pick it apart...
Granted, I dont want to go to the gym anymore, I dont want to go to my CHU after work, I dont want to leave my desk to go smoke or eat or sleep. No change there, right?
The reasons behind this are quite different this month than they were last. I'm not exactly sure why that is, or more honestly, I'm not exactly sure how I have allowed myself to accept the reasons I now have.
I'd ask if it were possible that someone you never met could inspire such a change in a person, more specifically, in me. However, we already know that it is possible. After all, I've never met Keenan Maynard, Trent Reznor, Marilyn Manson or any of the other artists who have struck a chord (har har) with me.
Yet I find myself bonding with this individual, and I also find it weird to be writing about it here. However, seeing my thoughts in writing helps to assure me that they are more than meaningless and fleeting synapses confined to my own brain.
So how to deal with this? Slowly and surely, my gut tells me. So hang on Sloopy, Sloopy hang on.
Time differences suck. Distance sucks. But the thing that sucks the worst is that its almost as if they dont matter. I know they do. I know they are killers, psychotic and unrepentant. Experience has recently hammered this little fact home, has it not? 9 months till I make it back to the states. Most likely 2 years before I make it back to Texas in anything approaching a permanent capacity, unless I get stationed at Ft Hood, which I am not sure I want to do.
I think the strangest thing about this entire situation is that it makes me rethink my assumptions about myself and my current mental and emotional conditions and capacities. It makes me wonder if my priorities are set correctly, and what the cost and benefits of staying my current course would be.
After all, my current plans include coming home to Texas for the month of December, and then volunteering for another tour in Iraq sometime at the end of Jan. The way I figure it, when I get home from this tour, I will have 17 months left in the Army. Since we are guaranteed a year of dwell time, that means I will have 5 months to go before I am likely to be deployed with a unit again. However, with the way the military works, when that 5 months comes down, and my unit deploys for 12-15, I will be stop-lossed, which means I will deploy for the full tour and get out of the army 7-10 months later than I should be, and I DEFINITELY do not want to spend any more time here than I absolutely have to. So it stands to reason that if I go home, spend 2-4 months in the states, and redeploy again, I will get home from the second tour in time to ETS and be done with the Army for good. Leaving me with the money I saved while deployed to start my life again and move back to where I want to be: close to my children.
Sure, being back over here for another year, so close to the first time I was here, is going to royally suck. The way I figure it though, now that my kids live in Tx and I live in NC, what is the difference between 1000 miles away and 7500? Are they not in effect the same thing? I wont see the kids any more often if I am in NC than I would if I were here, although I wouldnt have to skip Christmas with them (again) if I get lucky on my R&R dates.
Another argument for redeployment is the opportunity to save some money. Since the ex has already promised my children that they will have two of everything now that "daddy doesnt live with them anymore," I find myself suddenly in the position of having to scramble to provide this for them. It doesnt make sense for me to do so in NC, as they wont be there to visit more than once or twice before I get out, and it doesnt make sense for me to make these purchases for "stuff" that I will be needing if I am only going to redeploy again a year later. So, why not just not buy furniture, not buy a car, not buy all this crap and head right back on over here where I dont have room for a bunch of shit and dont have a need for most of it anyway?
I might not always make the best decisions, but I always try to mitigate the damages. Joining the Army was a bad idea. It helped me accomplish many goals; I am debt free, my resume is looking pretty fucking good again, I dont see how I could possibly get out without finishing my masters in Public Admin. But my personal life is smashed to shit. The people I used to have that motivated me to be a better person are gone or so far removed as to not be such motivating factors any longer.
This being said, all I can do now is try to figure out the best way to finish the time left on my contract. My kids are still young. All they know is that Daddy is a soldier and has to go fight bad guys a lot, and that he lives in the desert. While I dont particularly want to spend time away from them, since I know I am going to have to do so anyway, I feel as though it is best to do so immediately instead of drawing it out any longer. I dont want to be gone from their side for a single day longer than I have to be. While I am gone, I want to accomplish everything that I possibly can to make my and their lives better, even if neither of us gets to appreciate it immediately.
Damnable need to lay it all out in writing to pick it apart...
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Learning new things
I dont know where to begin.... I guess they (whoever the fuck "they" actually are) say that the beginning is the best place to begin. Makes sense in a straightforward kind of way, but I am not exactly sure that I agree.
I find myself challenged. In general, I enjoy a challenge, in theory, I thrive on them. In reality, I think I am fairly confused by this one.
How does one go about learning? I realize this is an aeons old query, argued since the invention of arguments. Is knowledge something that exists in the ether somewhere, and learning the process by which one pulls it from there to their own brain? Or is knowledge something that exists within you, waiting only for you to remember it. Is there such a thing as an "original" anything at this point in time? After thousands of years of civilization, can you truly have an idea that has not been thought before? I think maybe you can, if only in degrees. What does this have to do with my current challenge? Perhaps nothing.
To overcome fear, to allow trust, to learn to love again; I am not the only one who has had to face these challenges. So I wonder, would knowing how others accomplished this help me do so as well? I am tempted to respond negatively, as I know myself well enough to know that if I dont fuck it up personally, I probably didnt learn a damned thing from it. So does it matter that I am not the first? I guess not. Which is simultaneously inspiring and paralyzing in that those who have gone before me cant teach me anything, and I am left to learn these lessons, to struggle through these experiences alone.
Trust. Love. Faith. Countered by: Fear, Insecurity, Self-loathing.
What makes a person right for another person? There need to be common interests, common views on life, a commitment to work things through when life gets tough, a refusal to quit. Physical attraction? Absolutely. But what is the other property that really sets the spark to produce the flame? Can it be chased down, defined? Could I eventually boil down all my experiences and extrapolate from them the exact kind of person who compliments me? Perhaps a more potent question: If I could, would I? I mean, half or more of the fun in any relationship is figuring out whether or not it will work, isnt it? You have to start by spending a lot of time together, get on each other's every last nerve. Then you start to have disagreements, which elevate themselves to arguments, which in turn accelerate into fights. Once you reach the fighting stage, you start pushing buttons. You learn which ones get the biggest reaction and you mash them for all you are worth. This is the point at which you figure out how you fight, how you cope with conflict, whether it will end up with you sleeping in separate rooms or whether it leads to some of the best sex ever. Once either of those options is complete, you get to discover whether the relationship is fundamentally changed, and in time, whether this change will cripple or strengthen the union.
The fucked up thing about it is that for all your preparation, for all your commitment, for all your love, you can never be absolutely sure of the outcome. Perhaps this is that quality of love that makes it so rewarding. Its not something that you demand from someone, its not something that you can get through some sense of entitlement, you dont "deserve" to be loved by a particular person. Love is an offering. Sometimes the acceptance of this offer is more difficult than the extension of it.
This deserves further thought and exploration, but unfortunately, I actually have to work now. LOL
I find myself challenged. In general, I enjoy a challenge, in theory, I thrive on them. In reality, I think I am fairly confused by this one.
How does one go about learning? I realize this is an aeons old query, argued since the invention of arguments. Is knowledge something that exists in the ether somewhere, and learning the process by which one pulls it from there to their own brain? Or is knowledge something that exists within you, waiting only for you to remember it. Is there such a thing as an "original" anything at this point in time? After thousands of years of civilization, can you truly have an idea that has not been thought before? I think maybe you can, if only in degrees. What does this have to do with my current challenge? Perhaps nothing.
To overcome fear, to allow trust, to learn to love again; I am not the only one who has had to face these challenges. So I wonder, would knowing how others accomplished this help me do so as well? I am tempted to respond negatively, as I know myself well enough to know that if I dont fuck it up personally, I probably didnt learn a damned thing from it. So does it matter that I am not the first? I guess not. Which is simultaneously inspiring and paralyzing in that those who have gone before me cant teach me anything, and I am left to learn these lessons, to struggle through these experiences alone.
Trust. Love. Faith. Countered by: Fear, Insecurity, Self-loathing.
What makes a person right for another person? There need to be common interests, common views on life, a commitment to work things through when life gets tough, a refusal to quit. Physical attraction? Absolutely. But what is the other property that really sets the spark to produce the flame? Can it be chased down, defined? Could I eventually boil down all my experiences and extrapolate from them the exact kind of person who compliments me? Perhaps a more potent question: If I could, would I? I mean, half or more of the fun in any relationship is figuring out whether or not it will work, isnt it? You have to start by spending a lot of time together, get on each other's every last nerve. Then you start to have disagreements, which elevate themselves to arguments, which in turn accelerate into fights. Once you reach the fighting stage, you start pushing buttons. You learn which ones get the biggest reaction and you mash them for all you are worth. This is the point at which you figure out how you fight, how you cope with conflict, whether it will end up with you sleeping in separate rooms or whether it leads to some of the best sex ever. Once either of those options is complete, you get to discover whether the relationship is fundamentally changed, and in time, whether this change will cripple or strengthen the union.
The fucked up thing about it is that for all your preparation, for all your commitment, for all your love, you can never be absolutely sure of the outcome. Perhaps this is that quality of love that makes it so rewarding. Its not something that you demand from someone, its not something that you can get through some sense of entitlement, you dont "deserve" to be loved by a particular person. Love is an offering. Sometimes the acceptance of this offer is more difficult than the extension of it.
This deserves further thought and exploration, but unfortunately, I actually have to work now. LOL
Monday, March 24, 2008
Finally caught up...
Well, I made another new friend today. Someone else that I (probably) havent met, although she went to the same middle and high schools that I did. Interesting....
She is the one who turned me on to this site, so you can all blame her for having to look at my grill so large on this page as well as being subjected to my inane ramblings in search of some minuscule core of sanity in my life.
Things are strange. This being a new venue, I suppose I should start with some information about myself. I am 31 years old, and feel every year of it most days since I work with mostly 18-24 year old kids. I joined the military 2 years ago and cant wait to get out. This shit is most certainly not for me. I am just not that "HOOAH." I thank the powers that be every day that I am not one of the Joes out there kicking down doors. I do automations and communication for a medical battalion. Medical folks are truly "special," let me tell you, but once again, I'd rather deal with a battalion full of prima donna's than out riding around waiting to see if today is the day I get blown up. Besides, they dont call this post "Mortar-itaville" for nothing. Its funny to see the guys come in for training. Just Thurs morning, one of the Joes knocked on my door before PT, he's here from Baghdad, and he's freaking out. "SGT!!! Hey, we gotta get to the bunkers! The C-RAM just went off!!" While he is saying this, we hear two fairly loud thumps from the mortars going off. I told him "I guess they missed" and kept on brushing my teeth. We get hit out here so often, that unless its close enough to actually rattle the walls (and even then, we dont move until round #2 hits), we dont pay it much mind. The general thought around here is "If you hear it explode, it didnt hit you. If you dont hear it explode, it doesnt really matter anymore, does it?"
I have 2 children whom I love dearly and they are the main (and possibly only) reason that I bother to try to figure out what is broken with me and fix it. Seth is 5, Cali is 2. They were just told by their mother that when Daddy gets back from the desert, he wont be living with them anymore. That was her way of saying "I cheated on your father, decided that he was a lousy husband, and I am going to divorce him." Guess I cant blame her for breaking it down to such simple terms, they are very young children. My children now live in a different state than I will when I return, at least until such time as I get out of the Army in 2 years. I am glad they are in Tx, my folks and siblings are there, and I am glad they have them around. Its also probably a good thing as well in that it leaves me out here not feeling like I am missing out on so much. After all, even if I were back in the states, the two people I care the most about wont be anywhere near me anyway. Really, what's the difference between 1000 and 7500 miles? They amount to the same thing.
I try my damnedest to deny the bitterness that I feel for this situation, but I fail as often as I succeed. Be that as it may, I am bound and determined to get over this situation in the best, most efficient, most complete manner I am capable of. If I am not capable of it, then I intend to learn to be capable. I will pick myself apart. I will tear all my walls down, throw all my shit around, pick up only what is worth keeping, and leave the rest of it for the garbage.
I'm still married, more from a practical point of reasoning than for any stupidness like a belief that my soon to be ex and I will reconcile. I need the money and the protections offered to me by the military, and would lose both of those if I signed any divorce agreement. She can wait till fucking November, by God. Or until I actually get hit by one of these mortars, whichever comes first. We would have been married 10 years this summer, what is a few months? Its not like being married is stopping her from fucking whoever she wants. It stops me though. I dont want to go to jail, and since the military will throw your ass in jail for infidelity, I aint taking the chance! Just not worth it, I'll make plenty of time for all that when I get back and sign the divorce paperwork.
The blogs below are the ones that I had on disk from what I have already put up on myspace. I think this is going to be the primary location for my blogs from this point forward, because I can actually access this site from work, instead of having to walk 2 miles to the MWR. We are supposed to be getting internet access in our CHU's soon, so maybe at that point, I will pick back up on myspace. Guess it all depends on how many people find this blog and decide to offer some feedback. It would be really fucking cool if I started getting hate mail too, that would make my day. LOL
Sorry for such an inane post. Its my first here, and I just wanted to introduce myself.
She is the one who turned me on to this site, so you can all blame her for having to look at my grill so large on this page as well as being subjected to my inane ramblings in search of some minuscule core of sanity in my life.
Things are strange. This being a new venue, I suppose I should start with some information about myself. I am 31 years old, and feel every year of it most days since I work with mostly 18-24 year old kids. I joined the military 2 years ago and cant wait to get out. This shit is most certainly not for me. I am just not that "HOOAH." I thank the powers that be every day that I am not one of the Joes out there kicking down doors. I do automations and communication for a medical battalion. Medical folks are truly "special," let me tell you, but once again, I'd rather deal with a battalion full of prima donna's than out riding around waiting to see if today is the day I get blown up. Besides, they dont call this post "Mortar-itaville" for nothing. Its funny to see the guys come in for training. Just Thurs morning, one of the Joes knocked on my door before PT, he's here from Baghdad, and he's freaking out. "SGT!!! Hey, we gotta get to the bunkers! The C-RAM just went off!!" While he is saying this, we hear two fairly loud thumps from the mortars going off. I told him "I guess they missed" and kept on brushing my teeth. We get hit out here so often, that unless its close enough to actually rattle the walls (and even then, we dont move until round #2 hits), we dont pay it much mind. The general thought around here is "If you hear it explode, it didnt hit you. If you dont hear it explode, it doesnt really matter anymore, does it?"
I have 2 children whom I love dearly and they are the main (and possibly only) reason that I bother to try to figure out what is broken with me and fix it. Seth is 5, Cali is 2. They were just told by their mother that when Daddy gets back from the desert, he wont be living with them anymore. That was her way of saying "I cheated on your father, decided that he was a lousy husband, and I am going to divorce him." Guess I cant blame her for breaking it down to such simple terms, they are very young children. My children now live in a different state than I will when I return, at least until such time as I get out of the Army in 2 years. I am glad they are in Tx, my folks and siblings are there, and I am glad they have them around. Its also probably a good thing as well in that it leaves me out here not feeling like I am missing out on so much. After all, even if I were back in the states, the two people I care the most about wont be anywhere near me anyway. Really, what's the difference between 1000 and 7500 miles? They amount to the same thing.
I try my damnedest to deny the bitterness that I feel for this situation, but I fail as often as I succeed. Be that as it may, I am bound and determined to get over this situation in the best, most efficient, most complete manner I am capable of. If I am not capable of it, then I intend to learn to be capable. I will pick myself apart. I will tear all my walls down, throw all my shit around, pick up only what is worth keeping, and leave the rest of it for the garbage.
I'm still married, more from a practical point of reasoning than for any stupidness like a belief that my soon to be ex and I will reconcile. I need the money and the protections offered to me by the military, and would lose both of those if I signed any divorce agreement. She can wait till fucking November, by God. Or until I actually get hit by one of these mortars, whichever comes first. We would have been married 10 years this summer, what is a few months? Its not like being married is stopping her from fucking whoever she wants. It stops me though. I dont want to go to jail, and since the military will throw your ass in jail for infidelity, I aint taking the chance! Just not worth it, I'll make plenty of time for all that when I get back and sign the divorce paperwork.
The blogs below are the ones that I had on disk from what I have already put up on myspace. I think this is going to be the primary location for my blogs from this point forward, because I can actually access this site from work, instead of having to walk 2 miles to the MWR. We are supposed to be getting internet access in our CHU's soon, so maybe at that point, I will pick back up on myspace. Guess it all depends on how many people find this blog and decide to offer some feedback. It would be really fucking cool if I started getting hate mail too, that would make my day. LOL
Sorry for such an inane post. Its my first here, and I just wanted to introduce myself.
Contentment... or Ode to Joy
A friend of mine recently posited an idea that really spoke to me. When first she said it, I thought “no way.” Then, I paused a moment and considered if my reaction was more from this idea being ridiculous or from my unwillingness to accept that it might be true. Within a few seconds, I had no choice but to accept that it was the latter. The statement that was made was that I “missed the knowing – who, what, where, and when in your marriage.”
Initially, I scoffed at this idea, as I don’t currently know a damn thing about a damn thing, and then I realized that was her point. Secondly, what I knew about my situation, my relationship, before had been mostly negative. It caused me to really consider what it was that I had supposedly lost when Jeni left, and made me realize that I might have gained a lot more. I don’t know whether I ever felt this way while I was married, I have no conscious memory of being embittered or feeling repressed, but I can see clearly now that I was. Another friend, when I mentioned this idea as something that needed considerable further exploration, said that it brought to mind a country song with a lyric that went something like “it’s hard to kiss the lips at night that have been chewing your ass all day.” I hope I never have to suffer through the song itself, I hate country music, but I found the lyric amusing.
So, what exactly did I know? How did I allow myself to be comfortable with it? I can answer the first, but I wont. Believe it or not, these blogs are more about my mental health than they are about putting my soon to be ex-wife down. Suffice to say, I did in fact know what to expect. I knew which of my advances and thoughts would be rebuffed and how often. I knew what repercussions I would face for doing things I enjoyed such as drinking beer or watching hockey or hanging with friends once I got off work. I knew the consequences of all my actions and words, and while I was powerless to change these reactions in my mate, and unwilling to make the additional changes in myself, I found comfort in the reactions nonetheless. I had become merely “content,” and because I had been happy in the very distant past, and this contentment replaced my happiness so gradually and insidiously, I confused the two and allowed one to substitute for the other.
I loved my wife to the best of my ability. Everything I did was for her and the kids. I worked two jobs for 4 years so she could stay home. I joined the military because my school loans combined with our other joint debts threatened to pull us under and that was the fastest and most sensible solution. I deployed to a gods-forsaken country near the ass end of nowhere for 15 months away from everything and everyone that I loved for the sake of being able to better provide for my family. In my mind, I thought it would be obvious that everything I did was for “us” and not for “me.” In reality, I think it was obvious, but that it wasn’t enough for some reason.
Be that as it may, our relationship was not copacetic. We started as best friends but somehow over time became bitter rivals. Neither of us mentioned to the other that our needs were not being met in the ways that we felt they should have been. Each of us assumed that the love we had at the beginning was still somewhere down there, and that since marriage was always something requiring work, that our efforts at swallowing our own individual malcontent would be enough to help us get through another day, week or year and thus be closer to finding that loving happiness that we started with. Our lines of communication were completely broken.
Being the stoic person I am, believing in the sanctity of marriage and holding on to what memories I had of the younger fun loving version of my life, I would have languished in this situation for the rest of my life, constantly hanging on to the thread of hope that somehow we would get back to what we once were before. I didn’t even consciously see the problem before now. I understood Jeni’s side of it, and I don’t think she ever even considered that perhaps she wasn’t the only one who felt the way she did about our marriage, but I didn’t understand that I also should have wanted the relationship to end. Oddly enough, I didn’t. I was comfortable with what was “known” even if I couldn’t have honestly said I was as happy as I deserved to be. Could we have been happy again had there been communication and a desire on both parts to work it out? I believe so. Even at the point we got to where one of us finally realized what was going on and decided to walk away? Again, I believe we could have.
However, happiness for me is going to come via a different route, a different source, a different soul mate… eventually. I now have the freedoms to seek out someone with whom I wont have to be merely “content.” I can find someone who currently has the same drives, goals and outlook that I do on life. I can go find a person who is more physically and emotionally compatible with myself. I’m not terribly excited by the prospect of starting over, though I know I should be, but at least I know that I don’t have to settle for what has become comfortable any longer.
So now, to paraphrase Mr. Tom Petty, its “into the great wide open” I go. I don’t know shit about shit, I don’t know who I am going to learn about and try to love next, only that I don’t believe I have met her yet. I don’t know how I am going to be a pervasive presence in my children’s lives so that they never doubt that I am there for them and I love them. I don’t know where I will live, where I will work, what I will do for fun when and if I have the time. I don’t know anything at all about what the future is going to bring me. I find it quite humorous that my experiences here in the military have prepared me to face this uncertainty without an overabundance of fear and with virtually no trepidation. As much as I cant wait to get out of the Army, I have to admit that I have become a better, more mature, more responsible person because of it. I cant wait to put it behind me and start answering the aforementioned questions. This time, I will make an effort not to allow myself to slide into contentment in such a way that it seems as if being content is all there is to life. I intend to grasp and hang onto happiness with a fierceness unknown previously. Should be quite the ride.
Initially, I scoffed at this idea, as I don’t currently know a damn thing about a damn thing, and then I realized that was her point. Secondly, what I knew about my situation, my relationship, before had been mostly negative. It caused me to really consider what it was that I had supposedly lost when Jeni left, and made me realize that I might have gained a lot more. I don’t know whether I ever felt this way while I was married, I have no conscious memory of being embittered or feeling repressed, but I can see clearly now that I was. Another friend, when I mentioned this idea as something that needed considerable further exploration, said that it brought to mind a country song with a lyric that went something like “it’s hard to kiss the lips at night that have been chewing your ass all day.” I hope I never have to suffer through the song itself, I hate country music, but I found the lyric amusing.
So, what exactly did I know? How did I allow myself to be comfortable with it? I can answer the first, but I wont. Believe it or not, these blogs are more about my mental health than they are about putting my soon to be ex-wife down. Suffice to say, I did in fact know what to expect. I knew which of my advances and thoughts would be rebuffed and how often. I knew what repercussions I would face for doing things I enjoyed such as drinking beer or watching hockey or hanging with friends once I got off work. I knew the consequences of all my actions and words, and while I was powerless to change these reactions in my mate, and unwilling to make the additional changes in myself, I found comfort in the reactions nonetheless. I had become merely “content,” and because I had been happy in the very distant past, and this contentment replaced my happiness so gradually and insidiously, I confused the two and allowed one to substitute for the other.
I loved my wife to the best of my ability. Everything I did was for her and the kids. I worked two jobs for 4 years so she could stay home. I joined the military because my school loans combined with our other joint debts threatened to pull us under and that was the fastest and most sensible solution. I deployed to a gods-forsaken country near the ass end of nowhere for 15 months away from everything and everyone that I loved for the sake of being able to better provide for my family. In my mind, I thought it would be obvious that everything I did was for “us” and not for “me.” In reality, I think it was obvious, but that it wasn’t enough for some reason.
Be that as it may, our relationship was not copacetic. We started as best friends but somehow over time became bitter rivals. Neither of us mentioned to the other that our needs were not being met in the ways that we felt they should have been. Each of us assumed that the love we had at the beginning was still somewhere down there, and that since marriage was always something requiring work, that our efforts at swallowing our own individual malcontent would be enough to help us get through another day, week or year and thus be closer to finding that loving happiness that we started with. Our lines of communication were completely broken.
Being the stoic person I am, believing in the sanctity of marriage and holding on to what memories I had of the younger fun loving version of my life, I would have languished in this situation for the rest of my life, constantly hanging on to the thread of hope that somehow we would get back to what we once were before. I didn’t even consciously see the problem before now. I understood Jeni’s side of it, and I don’t think she ever even considered that perhaps she wasn’t the only one who felt the way she did about our marriage, but I didn’t understand that I also should have wanted the relationship to end. Oddly enough, I didn’t. I was comfortable with what was “known” even if I couldn’t have honestly said I was as happy as I deserved to be. Could we have been happy again had there been communication and a desire on both parts to work it out? I believe so. Even at the point we got to where one of us finally realized what was going on and decided to walk away? Again, I believe we could have.
However, happiness for me is going to come via a different route, a different source, a different soul mate… eventually. I now have the freedoms to seek out someone with whom I wont have to be merely “content.” I can find someone who currently has the same drives, goals and outlook that I do on life. I can go find a person who is more physically and emotionally compatible with myself. I’m not terribly excited by the prospect of starting over, though I know I should be, but at least I know that I don’t have to settle for what has become comfortable any longer.
So now, to paraphrase Mr. Tom Petty, its “into the great wide open” I go. I don’t know shit about shit, I don’t know who I am going to learn about and try to love next, only that I don’t believe I have met her yet. I don’t know how I am going to be a pervasive presence in my children’s lives so that they never doubt that I am there for them and I love them. I don’t know where I will live, where I will work, what I will do for fun when and if I have the time. I don’t know anything at all about what the future is going to bring me. I find it quite humorous that my experiences here in the military have prepared me to face this uncertainty without an overabundance of fear and with virtually no trepidation. As much as I cant wait to get out of the Army, I have to admit that I have become a better, more mature, more responsible person because of it. I cant wait to put it behind me and start answering the aforementioned questions. This time, I will make an effort not to allow myself to slide into contentment in such a way that it seems as if being content is all there is to life. I intend to grasp and hang onto happiness with a fierceness unknown previously. Should be quite the ride.
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